Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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