And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
