I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
