My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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