i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
