hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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