Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
