I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
