he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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