This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
