My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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