last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
