Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
