dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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