Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
