Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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