So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize