someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
