I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
