saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
