I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
