just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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