anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
