i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
