I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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