So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
