What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My dad just said "fuck circus"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize