the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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