I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
