I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
