He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
