I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
