So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I didn't notice because vodka
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
