I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
