we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
