Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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