Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
