Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
