some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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