Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
