Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
