BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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