What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
