Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
