just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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