nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize