Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
