think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
