god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
