Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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