You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
