Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
