im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
