i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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