I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize