i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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