it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
