Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
