Sacagawea was the original milf.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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