I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The adults are the big ones right?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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