Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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